angelina_shanna

It's raining out right now.

As i walked home from watching a movie a J's, i realised what a beautiful night it was. All i wanted to do was sit on a bench in the park and enjoy the breeze and feel the droplets of the cold drizzle caress my skin. I let the umbrella fall and just sat there all alone. I looked up into the blackness of the sky. I saw the little drops of water coming towards me, hitting my face softly. It felt so good. The tears from my eyes just blended in with the rain on my face. The moment seemed so perfect. I had to cry. It's what i need. I took a step towards my place but it was too soon to leave. I may not feel this way again. The breeze took my umbrella, my shelter, away from me. But it didn't matter. I didn't need a shelter. What i needed was to be alone. Free from all my thoughts. Free from all the problems. Free from everyone else. I realised that that was what i wanted all along. What I needed. To be alone. I've become this painfully angry and tensed person i never wanted to be. Clogging up my mind with all the problems life has thrown at me. All that change in just a year.. or two. The people that came along the way, I never trusted. Except for maybe one.. or two. I should have just let myself go. I want to create this lovable, trustful, happy person i used to be, again. But that would be difficult. Oh well! I've been judged wrongly by people my whole life and i wasn't ready to judge myself. As the drizzle turned into rain, I started feeling that annoying pain on my lower back down my leg. Even my body wasn't allowing me to enjoy my perfect night. Well, I got up and limped to my umbrella. The walk home was torture. Freezing and in pain. As soon as i got through my door, i felt the warmth rush through my body. I got into the shower for the second time tonight and enjoyed the steaming hot water running through my hair down my spine. I smiled to myself. This was a perfect way to end my perfect moment.

I don't know why you should be so careful. Tell me how you feel! What you feel! I hate assuming. But thats all i can do now. I want to be your friend. I want to know. If you can't tell me. It's ok. I understand. But tell me you can't tell me. I'm dying here! You're gonna leave in a less then a week and i've told you how i felt because i didn't want you to leave without knowing. But i can't let you leave without telling me! I can't just ask you because you're not the kind of person who'd just tell me. I'm lost. I know you might be too. I really don't know. I don't know what to do or what to think. It's so unsettling. Stupid of me to think we'd feel better if i just said it out loud. I feel worse and again, I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.... Life and the games it plays with us. Funny. Not a word from you. It makes everything so sad. I've lost you haven't i? Stupid me.What does honesty give you? It gives you shit. And it leaves you feeling like shit. Shit shit shit!

Breathe....

I'm sorry.

Well, it really is up to you if you want to talk about it or not. But let me know if you do. or don't. Please.

My aching head and back and knee are all killing me. But no painkillers tonight. I think feeling the pain might do me some good.

Nothing's perfect. Nobody's perfect.

How contradicting. :)

love.

With trembling hands she stared at her phone. She knew she had to do it. She knew she had to do it soon. He's leaving. Something sparked in her that morning when she awoke from a crazy dream. Although it had nothing to do with him and her, weirdly enough, it made her think. It made her feel how he felt. It made her see through his eyes. She knew he knew. Somehow. He wasn't one of those overly egoistic guys who pretend that they ruled the world. He was sensitive and understanding and careful. Yes. careful. He was careful with his words. He was careful with expressing his feelings. He was careful not to hurt anyone around him. And she knew he deserved the truth. He deserved knowing how she felt or how she didn't feel. Walking alone that afternoon she typed out what she felt or at least she tried. She hit the send button and it made her heart skip a beat. She hated this! Why did this always have to happen? She thought. Knowing someone you know would treat you so right yet you felt so wrong. The energy that you receive, you just can't send. Not the right time? Not the right person? As she thought about it, she read through the text one last time. She teared. Is it always going to be this way? Is it never going to be the right time? She didn't feel sad for herself. For the most, she felt sad because she might have hurt an angel. All she hoped for now, was a reply. The phone beeped after what seemed like eternity. He said it was ok. She knew it wasn't. He was being his 'careful' self yet again. She didn't feel relieved. All she felt was sadness and anger. Sad for him and angry at herself. No. There wasn't someone else. There wasn't any influence. She said sorry and for the first time in months, she actually meant it.

Friends? It's worth a try. It is! I make a better friend. I do. I promise. I will miss you when you're away. Waiting on Thursday...

On Hospitalization leave for 11 days. Wow. Finally someone realised that the pain i felt actually mattered. Besides my mom, dad, you and now, the doctor. If feel like a stubborn child not wanting to go to school. I really don't want to go back to flying!! The pain is killing me! Right now as well! ARGH! Time for those extra strong painkillers.

ABCs. My A,B and C. Nothing's gonna change if no one will change. If this is your true self i'm seeing after seven years, I don't believe it! It's not. You are nice and giving and calm and sweet even if you're stubborn and unstable. I loved you. everyone did. You made everyone despise you. How did it come to this? I feel bad for you. But i'm in no position to take your side this time round. I can't back you up here. You didn't give me anything good to work with. I'm sorry, but this time, you're alone. You decided. So now you try to undecide it. I'm done. For now. I'm glad you realised what happened. Too little too late? Maybe. We'll see what future has in store for us. I hope this isn't the end. Really.

Relationships. Maybe it's been too long and they're just getting way too comfortable. Maybe she's seeing his faults more than his good. Maybe he's doing the same. Maybe they just got in too deep without realising the consequences. Maybe he did change and she sees it. Or maybe he's just showing her his true self. Maybe they need some time away to realise that they can't actually live without each other. or maybe they're meant to be apart. All i can give her now are 'maybes'. But my dear M, love is such. Time changes people. People change people. I know i'm no one to say, but 2 years is a long time. Are you willing to let it all go? Or do you want to keep it going and work things out. It will take time but it may be worth it. Maybe again. Well, It's your call my dear. Take a night to swim in your your own pool of thoughts to see what is good for you right now. It will help. Maybe you'd dream that night and when you wake, you'll be able to see what you want with more clarity. Love you M!


-Don't worry about a thing cos every little thing's gonna be alright! (Right back at you Mr!)

love.

Coming out of this realm of dreams, I jumped out of comfort realising it was pass midnight. As i rushed to my handphone, I bumped my pinkie toe on the leg of the table. I screamed out loud waking my mom up. You would think she'd come running out worried that something might have happened to me. But all she said from her bed was, "Crazy ah?". :) She knows it's just her clumsy daughter bumping into things in the dark. I called the girls to see if the plan for the night was still on. They seemed reluctant to come over for a nice movie night. One that i planned! Instead, they wanted to go to our second most favorite hang out, the famous Obar. So we got ready within the hour and left the house. I must say i was pretty nervous in the cab because i knew he was going to be there. I miss the whole bunch of them so much though. The last time i saw them i was on my birthday. So with a little nervousness and a lot of excitement we entered the club just past two am. Saw the whole group of them almost immediately at the usual area. He smiled and told me that he hated me because i lied to him. I did. I told him i wasn't going tonight. I wasn't lying technically. So anyway, we danced but it felt a little uncomfortable. Dancing from a distance especially with him, was so weird. But that's how it's going to be. I saw the rest of the gang. Adorable brother bear matt. And sweet sweet crystal. Was catching up with them the rest of the time. Angry looks from across the dance floor. Mons and i distracting the lion from his target. Haha! He suddenly realised what we were doing and kissed us on our heads like an older brother would. Said that he missed us. We miss him too. Especially Jess. I know she wants to speak to him but she knows it's impossible. He doesn't want to even come close to her. He's afraid i guess. Afraid that something might happen? Afraid of infidelity? He might actually be in love with this love of his life. Oh well. That's his story to tell. Well, going back to him. He asked me how was my love life. Not in a jealous or accusing way. He said he wants us to go back to the time when i would update him about my life. Well, we need some time before we get there. He was happy and gave us enough space to enjoy ourselves. The journey home was filled with jesses giggles and stories about Mr. T and every single thing that happened between them on my right and mons falling in and out of sleep on my left. Tonight was weird. But fun. I almost forgot how it was like clubbing with all of them. And i saw so many people i haven't seen in years today. :)

It's 7 am and jess is still going on about Mr.T. It's very amusing half listening to her rambling on and on and on about the details of the night and what she should do and how she feels and what might happen. She really cute.

You're still awake, texting me.

I'm going to try to sleep now. (jesse has finally shut her eyes..) =)

Good morning world!
Goodnight friends.

love.

This annoying feeling.

She sits and she wonders
as she watches the world pass her by.
Kissing lovers. Laughing children.
As her mind wonders, her heart ponders.
Why? She asks herself. Why?

Why can't she love? Why can't she laugh?
She shares her thoughts with God but he doesn't reply.
Where can she go? Or should she stay?
Can she just get up and fly?

Reasons. Questions. Answers.
Something she wants to feel but she just can't.
It should be so easy but Why is it so hard?
It could take a minute or a lifetime to find out.

The kiss of life. The kiss of love.
She feels them slipping away.
She tries to hold on
but just like shells on a beach,
gets washed away.

This annoying feeling.

The more you ignore it, the more it shows itself.
She can't love. She can't kiss. She can't feel.
Maybe she doesn't want to.
She doesn't want to seal this deal.

Take a step back?
Walk on forward?
Stop and be a coward?

The spark is gone.
The lights go on.
The world now looks at her
with those accusing eyes.

Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.

This annoying feeling

She feels like ripping it apart
and tearing it into pieces.
If only she could.
If only she could be in love.

She'll take it slow.
Walk her way through.
That's all she can do.
In this journey,
It's just me and you.

She hopes he'll understand.
She hopes he will.
Love's never been easy.
Life's never been that hard.

Why??

This annoying feeling she can't feel.


I'm just being a little emo. heh.
Felt like writing out random thoughts.
I contemplated erasing it all off and writing something else but maybe it should stay.

And you.
Scream your thoughts out loud! You'll feel better.
Scream for attention if you need it, no one will stop you.
Don't listen to that evil dude on your left shoulder.
He'll you off in the wrong direction.
We should fear what we don't know or don't understand.
Fear is not always bad.
You're an amazing person. Hope you enjoy that book and make good use of that lamp. :)

As for me,
I just want to quit.
Optimism isn't helping me understand what's wrong.
It's just pulling me deeper into this state of denial.
I just want to be free.
Just listen and enjoy the stories of others.
Just sit still for a moment and bask in the glory of life itself
but time doesn't allow that anymore.
Time doesn't allow us to do a lot of things anymore.
This thin thread we stand on. This danger zone we're unwillingly placed into.
Can we make it out alive? and if we do,
will we be scarred beyond repair?
It's foolish to predict the future.
It's foolish to predict live.
Yet, we all try.
We try so hard to change the inevitable.
We turn away the good and we rarely learn from our mistakes.
I can't handle this new life i've made myself.
It's too complicated and i've been too naive.
I want out. But i know there's no way out.
Please let me know there's at least a light at the end of this tunnel.

It's six in the morning and my heart feels so heavy.
It'll get better. (me and my optimism again) :)
No dreams please! Just darkness.

love.

I woke up at 5am today feeling alittle down because of the dream that woke me. I hate it when i cry in my dream. Wake up feeling heavy hearted although i know that the dream isnt true and that it would never be true. I didn't want to tell him about it at first because I thought might actually scare him away. It was a weird dream. One that was not exactly impossible and that might be worse! So i kept it to myself through our conversation until he told me that he dreamnt about me. I couldn't help myself. :) He said his dream now seems like a fart compared to mine. HAHA! But thats not true. Your's was really sweet!

Well, as i said before, i woke up at 5am in my hotel room in Londonand i needed to pee really badly. There was nothing but news on tv and i wanted to laze around a little more before i showered and headed to the crew room to make use of the free internet. So without much choice, i sat in bed watching the news. Terrorists attacked a school in Russia. Many children died when the gym was blastered. They interviewed alot of the kids from the school. Those who lost their siblings, best friends, teachers and parents. but it was this little girl who caught my attention. She was 10 i think, and she would draw pictures of the terrorists and burn her drawing in a small container. She said it's for all the children who died on that day. All that rage i could see in her just made my heart drop. She said she's more angry at the government for not giving the terrorists what they wanted. At 10, I was playing with my friends and cousins without a single worry or a drop of rage in me. Another story was about two boys who were going to be released once they turn 18. For? Tourching another boy and nearly killing him. They were the bullies in their school. There were so many more stories of natural disasters and killings and rape and people who did these things and are still out there. So many deaths. So much sadness and wrath in this world. What our childern see is what they learn. What they hear is what they say. What is kind is what they love. Not many of them are blessed with good. Still there are people like us who don't appretiate what we have or what we've learnt.

Ok. i'm just babbling away. Babblative rememeber? I used that word of the day alot.

Todays word of the day, Pragmative.

You chose it. but you havent used it yet! :P

To be honest, even though i know what it means, i don't know how to use it in sentences. hmmmmm......

Oh well, i'll try.

So that ladies night... That was some interesting night aye? I know i've said this too much and it may have lost its meaning. But i'm really SORRY!! You didn't deserve what was thrown at you. You didn't deserve to wait for an hour. It was not your problem. It was mine. Thank you for being calm about it. Thank you for waiting. Thank you!!

I broke his heart. I broke the boys heart. I deserve what i got for the past months. But that day, I didn't deserve. How long does he expect me to absorb all the 'what did i do to deserve this' and 'why did you do it to me's and 'why are you so heartless'? I can't do it anymore. I'm drained. I want to take a step forward but you kept holding me back. I want to be your friend and still have you in my life but i'm afraid. How long before this happens again? You say you want to be friends. We'll see how that works. I'm sorry for moving forward before you. I'm sorry it has to be this way. I am!

And my Anti-Macs strike has started. I'll only have macs once a month. After much persuation and psyco-ing, he agreed to do it with me. So it's me and him against fast food!! WOOHOO!

We'll see how that goes. :)

Anyway, I just realised that there aren't any toilets in this crew room. I really need to pee!

Goodbye!

love.

"You might laugh you might frown,
Walkin 'round London town.
Sun is in the sky oh why oh why would i wanna be anywhere else?"
-Lily Allen (LDN)

She knows there's something going on.
She says she feels trapped.
He's not the man i use to know, she says.
My husband, my children, my job, she says.
One child is going away to a foreign land for what seems forever.
The other is suffering from pain and prefers to be out than in her own house.
The other, her favorite, has let go of her. Has forgotten she exists. Has forgotten how much she has done.
A partner with secrets.
She knows they have their reasons.
but..
She's in pain.
She's hurt.
She's dying a little inside everyday.
She gave up so much for these people.
She gets so little in return.
She holds back her tears when everyone else is happy.
She cries inside every single night.
She needs to know that she's loved by all of them.
Its their faults they don't give her enough.
Her only heaven is her little time alone watching television.
I hate to see her like this.
If only i could do something.
If only everyone else saw what i see.
It brings me to tears as i write this out.
So much happens in this place i call home.
It's no wonder i prefer being out.
I never tell you i love you enough.
None of us say it enough.
I'm sorry it hurts so much.
I'm here if no one else can be.
I see your hurt even though i don't say it out loud.
I see your pain.
I see how much you miss your children.
I see how much you miss your happy family.
I see how your happy ending has gone down the drain.
I see your heart breaking every time someone takes you the wrong way.
You're the most selfless person i know.
Even if no one cares. I do.
You're my inspiration and i love you.
I'm sorry for everything you've been through.
I'm sorry for the secrets i keep from you.
It kills me to see you cry.
It kills me to know what you don't know.
And i hate him for telling me!
I'm sorry mom. I really am.

Today i spent the night alone with my mom. We ordered Macs and sat on our couch watching tv and talking. I could see the confusion in her eyes. I told her it's not what she thinks and she shouldn't think too much. I know what she's thinking and she's wrong. I know the truth and he has to tell her before she gives up. He needs to tell her everything now!
I can't just stand by and watch anymore.
I can't pretend nothing's wrong here.
Where's the trio back up?
I miss you bro. I need you.
Don't go peg. I need you.
I know no one gets everything they want in life. but what's wrong hoping.

Life...

I just lost my best friend. 6 years gone down the gutters. So many memories. I can't take it that you're letting go of this. I can't take it that you didn't bother listening to me. I can't take it that you're going against what you said. I can't help how you feel. But i don't understand why. I'm angry. I'm upset. I'm frustrated. I'm confused. This year i've spent swimming in guilt. For not loving you the way you loved me. For letting you down. For getting you so angry and upset. For what happened on my birthday. For everything i've ever done to upset you because you were the one person, who i thought, understood me. That has changed i suppose. All i wanted to do was wait for the right time to tell you. And start being just a trusted friend without benefits because that was getting too hard for me. For us. Yet i still stand by what i always say. You're the nicest person i know. I'll always care for you.

Love...

I hate my job. I can't do it for another minute. It's literally painful. I just can't wake up another day knowing that i have to go away. I can't take sleeping other night alone in a hotel a thousand miles away from home.

I just can't...

I never use to be like this. I never use to feel so much hurt when i wake up and before i sleep and everytime i'm alone. So much is happening and i just can't digest all of it. Good friends became strangers over a few months. How much longer is this gonna take? When will this end? I want to be carefree and jovial again. I want to be worry-less and laugh without forcing myself to.

You have been my distraction. My safe shelter. We may not know each other well enough. but i can forget when i'm with you. You bring genuine laughter to my life. Genuine happiness. You came at such a perfect moment. Thank you. And i know i'm being super emo. But really, i'm in this crossroads where all four routes are dark and full of obstacles. I don't know what to do or where to go. I know what you've been through and how you wouldn't want to be in this complicated mess of a life i have at the moment. I understand fully if you want to stay out of it. Really. :)

Where do i go from here? There doesn't seem to be an 'up'.

Screw this shit. I'm gonna lay down and hope to go into nothingness for the rest of the night.
No dreams for tonight pleeease!

love.

Bubbly

I've been awake for a while now
You've got me feelin' like a child now
'Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tinglees in a silly place

It starts in my toes
And I crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

The rain is fallin' on my window pane
But we are hidin' in a safer place
Under the covers stayin' safe and warm
You give me feelings that I adore

They start in my toes
Make me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

What am I gonna say
When you make me feel this way?
I just, mmm

It starts in my toes
Makes me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

I?ve been asleep for a while now
You tucked me in just like a child now
'Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth

It starts in my soul
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feelin' shows
'Cause you make me smile
Baby just take your time now
Holdin' me tight

Wherever, wherever, wherever you go
Wherever....

You make me smile. Even just for awhile. :)

I'm supposed to be off line but i heard this song and couldn't help but smile and wait for it to end. On the phone with you right now. I waited for more than 10 mins btw!

Hope my little medical thing works!

love.

Sitting at home watching Gilmore Girls, eating biscuits and drinking milk when i should be high up somewhere above a southeast Asian country. I'm enjoying this though. :)

This year has been very unpredictable. Full of confusion, anger, hurt, hatred, disappointments and regrets. However, i can't disagree that there weren't sprinkles of laughter, love and joy. Nothing went according to planned but things will work out in the end. That i still have hope in. I've made new friends, lost close friends, reunited with old friends and lost my best mate to a relationship. That's Life. :) Many more downs then ups this year and i find myself eagerly awaiting for the year to end. Next year would definitely be better. I hope.

I'm sorry for what happened. I really am. I need you to understand me. You never did. You're hurt. I always hurt you. I'm sick and tired of being sorry, of considering how you feel before i do anything. Yet, i still care about you. I still want to consider your feelings. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to give up. Don't make me. Please.

And you! You're welcome. I hope it works. And stop picking at your face! i noticed that. you'll get scars!

Thank you for being that listening ear i needed. I don't know what we are or where we are. But i like things the way they are now. I don't want to rush but i don't want be at a stand still either. I want to tell the world but i want to keep it a secret. I want things to change but i want them to stay the same. I feel hot and cold, sweet and sour, love and hate, near yet far. I don't know what i want yet i want so many things. My life is an oxymoron now. That's it.

I'll be hearing from you in half an hour or so. :P

Note to self: Be good to the universe and the universe will be good to you.

Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts.

love.

She's living in this world of secrets.
A damned world of secrets.
She knows secrets can never be kept forever.
Secrets. They always sneak out.

She's living in this world of lies.
A damned world of lies.
She knows lies can never be good.
Lies. The truth is always stronger.

This damned world of lies and secrets,
this rotting world of lies and secrets.
She knows. She knows. She knows.

She knows that in the core of it all,
there's good.
There's a garden of sweet smelling flowers.
A bright sunny day with birds.
Birds that sing on trees that dance.

She needs to break free without breaking away.
She knows the dark world keeps her feet on the ground.
She feels the rotten world taking over her.
She wants to break free but she just can't.

She knows.

Well, i was just thinking of a friend i know. i miss her. i miss the old her. She needs to know.

Spiders

What's this feeling i'm feeling?
A little jumpy and nervous.
Looking at this spider.
This eight legged creature making its way up this tree.
Every step each leg takes makes me move forward.
I'm curious.

I hate spiders.

I know i hate spiders.
I keep telling myself i hate spiders.
But i'm curious.

There's something different about this spider.
Something that keeps me interested.
It's got a limp.

Yes!
Maybe it's that!
But nothing is perfect.
I know that..

It takes two steps and so do i.

What's this again?

Curiosity?

I'm so close now i can see it's many eyes looking at me.
Wondering who i am.
What i am.

It takes a step up.

I move closer.

My nose so close the creature could just jump onto it.
I don't want to move away.
But it might be dangerous.

I hate spiders.

I KNOW THAT.

What's this again?

Curiosity?
Maybe it's fascination.

Then.

It's so beautiful, i realise.

This creature has caught my eyes.
This hard-working, eight-legged, tiny thousand-eyed creature has caught my eye.

What's this again?
Fascination?
Maybe it's realisation.

The realisation that this particular spider has changed my perception forever.
This tiny adorable spider...

I like spiders.
I know...
I like spiders.


I'm just rambling......
about the things i've grown to like. :)

Red nails-check.
Packed bags-check.
Dried hair-check.
Comfortable bed-check.
Charged handphone-check.
Alarm set at 1pm-check.

Goodnight world. (Like the world cares? I'd like to think otherwise)

:)

Oh maaaan...... It feels so good but so wrong.perfect yet flawed. Like someone up there has planned it all. Once we've learnt something, we've got to live it. Well, that's life i guess. What goes around really comes around. If you're good to the universe, the universe will be good to you. The universe will treat you right.

Go with the flow they say? i shall.

You make me smile.

You're nice.

You're real.

:)

Everything does.


love.

 I had another dream. Man it would make such an awesome action thriller. The only thing was, it had a really weird ending and i had dreamt the same dream before. It was really serious at the start. Zombies were attacking a group of us humans. We were in a wearhouse and they were coming towards it so we tried closing this really huge and heavy door that was outside the warehouse. The zombies were coming closer to us some actually came in but the funny thing was they were moving way too slow. Even so, one of my 'partner'(I don't know this dude) got eaten up by these zombies while trying to close a second door. I was too late to save him and my machine gun killed only a few of them because i was taking a human child away from his zombie father. I was like an action star. Loaded with weapons, wearing a nice fitting grey singlet and an army pants. i saved most of the people in that warehouse but something happened(can't seem to remember it now) and so i was carrying a little girl, one of the survivors, into my old flat in Lorong Ah Soo and dawn was breaking. When i got into my house, i saw my sister first. She dragged me into a room and when i turned around after locking the door, i saw that my sister and the little girl were zombies too. I jumped out of the window and ran for my life with a huge lurch of zombies just inches behind me. They were much faster now. Suddenly, there were shots being fired towards the zombies from somewhere above. i ran towards it and saw myself heading to a four story appartment building. I got to the roof of the building and there, i saw someone in an army uniform geared up with bullet straps around his body shooting at the zombies. My saviour!  The ending, "We're the only one's left. Just you and me. There's no choice but for us to reproduce!" Hahahahaha! He sounded so convincing. Like it was something anyone would say in such a situation. I woke up laughing. It was hilarious! I wish all dreams were like that. :D

She

She listens to the sound of the wind and smells the air of dusk. The staleness of the air fills her nostrils and the darkness of the moonless night clouds her thoughts. She knows she's not suppose to be here. She feels the uninviting atmosphere trying to get rid of her. But she stays. She can't leave because she was put here for a reason. She was put her to complete a task. She needs to think. As her eyes adjust to the darkness, she notices a big tree a few feet away from her. The night was so silent she didn't want to make a sound fearing that a simple vibration would upset it. Inching towards her safe shelter, she feels the cold blade-like grass on her palms and knees. Even they don't seem to like her presence.

She leans back on the body of the tree. She felt it's warmth and energy creeping into her naked skin, into her veins and into her heart. She puts her hand on her chest, overwhelmed by the sudden presence of comfort. The enormous tree seems to be the only thing that is welcoming her into this odd realm of darkness. Although she never felt the fear that she is feeling right now, the tree seems to cradle her in its arms. She enjoys it's roots with such contentment. She puts her arms around its body and listens to its whispers.

She now knows her purpose, she thinks. Comfort has given her strength. She is ready to fight her enemies. She is ready to battle her fears. but where does she start? What does she do? She inhales the stale metallic air with determination and courage. She allows her feet to take a  step forward. She feels all the luxuries she absorbed from comfort drain out of her. She feels naked and cold again. She steps back to lean against comfort again but it's gone. She has no choice now. Her only safe shelter has disappeared. In its place is a patch of cold, unfriendly grass. She longs for comfort. she is craving for comfort but she knows she's on her own now. She starts to walk forward in the cold, dark, cruel night.     

Her journey has begun......

 I just realised that i didn't post my last post. It was supposed to be posted four days ago or something. Heh. Thank god it was saved.

I had a weird dream on the plane back to Singapore. I might have dozed off for maybe 10 minutes and in that 10 minutes it was as though i had gone into another life. It was pretty scary. When i awoke, i just felt so sad. Putting it down in words might be a little difficult and may sound different but i'll try.


I could see a blurry old house in the middle of a field full of flowers. Red and yellow flowers. It was as though i was floating just above the flowers. I knew i wasn't walking, i didn't feel any pressure on my feet. I wasn't flying, i didn't feel light. I was floating just above the ground. My feet touched the soft petals of the red and yellow flowers as i moved closer to the old house. The wind seemed cold and the sky was dark. Just like it would be on a cloudy day. The only comfort that i felt were the petals caressing my toes.

As i approached the old house, I realised that i was moving faster. It was as though a pair of invisible hands were pushing me towards the house against my will. A chill went down my spine as I looked at the wooden blue front door with a golden knob. I saw my hand reaching out for the knob. It didn't feel like they belonged to me. I didn't want the door opened. I was shivering. I pushed against the blue wood and it creaked open. A dim flickering light escaped the darkness. I pushed harder and the door opened revealing the source of the light. A girl in an orange coat stood facing me and she looked straight at me but it was as though she was looking through me. Through my flesh. Through my heart. Into my soul. I suddenly felt a rush of warmth and i stopped shivering. She started to walk towards me. I inched towards her, the cold wood below my feet. I reached out to touch her but i couldn't reach her cheeks. I closed my eyes as i took another step towards her. 

I felt myself running. I opened my eyes and saw the girl in the orange coat standing amongst the red and yellow flowers. She seemed so perfect. it was her who complimented the flowers. Her locks of brunette hair moving with the wind. I kept running. Running towards this angel in orange. It seemed to take forever. She seemed so far away. The warmth i felt before was slowly being taken away by the clod wind. Drops of water splashed off my skin. I felt the cold wind cut my cheeks as i ran. The flowers that were my comfort before were my enemies now. Their thorns piercing through the sole of my feet as a stepped on them. I could feel the thorns tear the skin on my legs. Yet i ran to the girl in the orange coat. As i got closer, she seemed to get weaker. She reached out to me and disappeared into the mass of flowers,the enemies. They engulfed her like a wave from the sea. I reached for her pushing the flowers away and finally,I touched her face. It was warm at the first touch and the warmth spread through my body like electricity. I closed my eyes to feel the goodness of the warmth. but as fast as it took over me, it disappeared. My hands suddenly felt like it was touching snow. So cold and soft. I looked down and saw the girl in the orange coat lying on the ground with her eyes closed. She was asleep, I remember thinking. She was in a deep sleep and she'll never wake. I cried. Tears ran down my cheeks as i touched her ice cold hand. She seemed undisturbed and peaceful. It was as though moving any part of her would be a dreadful sin.

She complimented the flowers. And she forever will.

I looked up from her as i felt the ground shake as a lorry came trough the field, crushing all the red and yellow flowers with its huge wheels and it's deafening horn made me jump.  It came closer and closer to me and the girl in the orange coat. I didn't move. Not because i was frozen to the ground with fear. It was because there was no point going back into the field of enemies when she was gone. When peace was dead. Just before the lorry came close enough, i awoke to, "Excuse me, would you like a towel?" And i could hear vehicles horning in my ear as the movie fell asleep watching went on watching me. 
 

I really can't wait to get back home. Yet, I want to stay. Not because i'm enjoying myself here. Definitely not. It's because i don't want to go back to the drama. I don't want to be part of the drama but I always seem to be dragged into it. I hate this. A friend of mine, (he'd hate me calling him that. "i'm not your friend" he'd say) a certain puppy love of mine, he made me wonder. He made me think. He said, "Think of something you wanna do that you haven't done before." What have i not done that i'd secretly want to do or better yet never thought i'd ever do?

>Jump off a building. :D
>Pee standing up.
>Kiss in the rain.
>Tell a stranger "i love you".
>Slap someone. (Yes. I have never done that.)
>Backpack in Europe by myself.
>Sleep with a total stranger.
>Sleep with a girl. :)
>Act in a movie, Preferably an action movie.
>Be someone else for a day.
>Safe money.
>Bungee jump.
>Shop lift.
>crash a party.
>Crash a car.
>Drive a car. :)
>The list goes on.........

Well, i should make a nice list so i would be able to tick off what i've done. I'd prioritize. The more important ones at the top of the list.
But there's someone i have to thank. My puppy love friend. He made me feel so much better. Life can be a shit hole at times but nothing's ever thaat bad and it always gets better. :) You learn from everything that happens. Being revengeful will never get you anywhere(that i've know all my life and i always stay away from revenge). Being angry will not solve anything. Being quiet and keeping everything inside will just make you burst eventually. So the answer? Have an outlet to let it all out. Be it a stranger, your best friend, writing on a blog or even writing it down on paper.

As for now, i can't wait to go back to Singapore and tell everyone that i'm fine with it. I'll deal with the pain but i'm fine. I can do this. I have my outlets and they're the best listeners. My friends. I can put it all behind me. I can! Finally i see it. It'll take awhile but one fine day i'd wake up and think of all this as the past. It can't be too far from now. Thank you again. :)

love. 

Life is cruel. Imagine this. Your bath tub is being filled with sugar, spice and everything nice and just as you're getting comfortable and soaking up the niceness of it, suddenly, everything gets drained away. Much too fast for you to react. Replacing that is emptiness. A weird sense of displacement. You try to get out of the tub. Try to reach out to outstretched hands but you can't. No one or nothing can replace the emptiness for now. You know that. But you also know that the only reason why you can't get out is because you don't want to. As soon as you're ready, you'll grab a hand that reaching out and pull yourself out. But thats when you're ready. Till then, the the only thing the will fill the tub is nothing.

Life is confusing. One minute you're ready to pursue your dreams and ambitions and goals, and the next minute you realise that that is not what you want to do. That your dreams were never yours, it was what society wants you to dream. Your ambition was never what it seemed and you hate what you do. Your goals have changed and they're much further then you thought they were. You're, in actual fact, lost. Nothing is what you thought it is. No one is who you think they are.

Life is unfair. You think you've found the one true love but you realise it was not what you thought it was. Someone says that precious three words with such meaning and sincerity but you cant even utter them. You just can't. Unfair. A trusted friend betrays you by taking the only thing you thought they wouldn't touch. The someone you could say those precious three words to in the past. The friend who you cared for and loved now loves this someone. The friend who knew your secrets and your past speaks to you as though you're a total stranger. Unfair. Your loved one takes their last breath and you know its not their time to go. unfair. 

However,

Life is real. It'll never lie to you. It gives you what you want if you work for it and it takes away what you don't deserve, if not immediately, eventually. A businessman who cheats his company out of thousands will eventually get caught and jailed or a murderer, if not caught will live his life in denial or regret. 

Life is wonderful. In one life time, most would find their true love or find their hidden selves, get to see or smell the flowers and that fresh smell of morning dew. See the sunrise and sunset. Feel someone else's skin against their own. Breathe the air around them. See the wonders of life and the wonders of love. listen to music and read books. Taste different things and experience different ideas.

Life is so much more than on can expect. You change as you age and you age as you change. You expect so much more little than you realise. Life is an enormous space and you get to fill it up with what you want and what you experience. Life is amazing.

With friends(the true ones), life can become so much easier to walk through. Thank you for those who've had my back. Thank you. Tonight i realised that there is so much more in life to look forward to and walking backwards is just stupid. That doesn't mean i can forget. This time it hit too close to the heart. So i'll take that knife out and throw it away as i walk forward through a new door as i close the old one.

A new chapter of my life begins.. Hopefully a happier one.

This calls for a new tattoo!! :P

love.

Broken Hearted Girl

You're everything I thought you never were
And nothing like I thought you could have been
But still, you live inside of me, so tell me how is that?
You're the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I love to not forgive
And though you break my heart, you're the only one
And though there are times when I hate you
'Cause I can't erase
The times that you hurt me and put tears on my face
And even now, while I hate you, it pains me to say
I know I'll be there at the end of the day

I don't wanna be without you, babe
I don't want a broken heart
Don't wanna take a breath without you, babe
I don't wanna play that part
I know that I love you, but let me just say
I don't wanna love you in no kind of way, no no
I don't want a broken heart
I don't wanna play the broken-hearted girl
No, no, no broken-hearted girl

There's something that I feel I need to say
But up til' now I've always been afraid that you would never come around
And still I wanna put this out

You say you've got the most respect for me 
But, sometimes I feel you're not deserving of me
And still, you're in my heart
But you're the only one
And yes, there are times when I hate you, but I don't complain
'Cause I've been afraid that you would walk away
Oh, but now I don't hate you
I'm happy to say
That I will be there at the end of the day

Now I'm at a place I thought I'd never be, ooh
I'm living in a world that's all about you and me, yeah
Ain't gotta be afraid, my broken heart is free to spread my wings and fly away, away with you....

I don't wanna be without my baby
I don't want a broken heart
Don't wanna take a breath without my baby
I don't wanna play that part
I know that I love you, but let me just say
I don't wanna love you in no kind of way, no no
I don't want a broken heart
I don't wanna play the broken-hearted girl
No, no, no broken-hearted girl
Broken-hearted girl
No broken-hearted girl
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This song i dedicate to a broken hearted someone I know that is going through so much right now. Now i've actually seen what someone can go through for love. I actually witnessed how deeply someone can fall in love. How she could oversee so many things just for love. How she could be so blinded by the reality of things. How smart she is to have the strength to open her eyes to accept the truth. I hate him for doing this to her. But i'm no one to say. Dear broken hearted angel, you will be fine. You will survive this heartache. You will climb out of this ditch a much better and stronger person. But to become that person, you need to stick with the path you've taken. Don't look back and don't have a relapse. Things are not going to change and you deserve so much better. you deserve to be appreciated. My dear broken hearted angel, you can find better love out there. Yes you can. Believe me on this. :)