angelina_shanna

I thought last year was bad. I thought i would never want to re live that year even if it was the last year on earth! When the year ended, I was the happiest person alive. It ended as horribly as t begun! I lost my pet phone. My dear dear iphone. Loved it more then myself. (Yes. I am pretty insecure.) Horrible! I lost my voice as well. So when we started the new year (Sober and free of alcohol), I thought to myself, it's going to be different. It's going to be good. I had a gut feeling it was going to be an amazing year. With amazing opportunities. Filled with joy and laughter.

Well, all i can say is that i'm never going to trust my gut feeling again.

In fact, 2010 is turning out to be shittier then 2009. I didn't get my phone back. The one i never thought would never say those words to me, said them and.. (nope. we didn't live happily ever after) ..took them back. I was (and still am, although not as much as before) in debt. I never did start school. I started working at this place where you get hit on by old men everyday. (No. not in the night life.) And was doing the job of 3 people and getting paid shit. So i quit. My best friend/sister left to explore some dessert land for three years. Oh and did i mention? I'm broke. Shit broke. Well, lots of other shit happened. (i'm trying the "block out what you don't want to remember" theory) The best part is that only half a year has passed!

Shit.

7 more months of hell. Would next year be any better. I wouldn't count on it.

Perks? There are always perks. Friends who support and family who care. Who needs anything else right? Other then money of course! (Of which i am hugely lacking). Two out of three. I should be happy. :)



It's still shit. :(

Always look on the bright side of life. Come on brightness, Where are you??


love.

It's raining out right now.

As i walked home from watching a movie a J's, i realised what a beautiful night it was. All i wanted to do was sit on a bench in the park and enjoy the breeze and feel the droplets of the cold drizzle caress my skin. I let the umbrella fall and just sat there all alone. I looked up into the blackness of the sky. I saw the little drops of water coming towards me, hitting my face softly. It felt so good. The tears from my eyes just blended in with the rain on my face. The moment seemed so perfect. I had to cry. It's what i need. I took a step towards my place but it was too soon to leave. I may not feel this way again. The breeze took my umbrella, my shelter, away from me. But it didn't matter. I didn't need a shelter. What i needed was to be alone. Free from all my thoughts. Free from all the problems. Free from everyone else. I realised that that was what i wanted all along. What I needed. To be alone. I've become this painfully angry and tensed person i never wanted to be. Clogging up my mind with all the problems life has thrown at me. All that change in just a year.. or two. The people that came along the way, I never trusted. Except for maybe one.. or two. I should have just let myself go. I want to create this lovable, trustful, happy person i used to be, again. But that would be difficult. Oh well! I've been judged wrongly by people my whole life and i wasn't ready to judge myself. As the drizzle turned into rain, I started feeling that annoying pain on my lower back down my leg. Even my body wasn't allowing me to enjoy my perfect night. Well, I got up and limped to my umbrella. The walk home was torture. Freezing and in pain. As soon as i got through my door, i felt the warmth rush through my body. I got into the shower for the second time tonight and enjoyed the steaming hot water running through my hair down my spine. I smiled to myself. This was a perfect way to end my perfect moment.

I don't know why you should be so careful. Tell me how you feel! What you feel! I hate assuming. But thats all i can do now. I want to be your friend. I want to know. If you can't tell me. It's ok. I understand. But tell me you can't tell me. I'm dying here! You're gonna leave in a less then a week and i've told you how i felt because i didn't want you to leave without knowing. But i can't let you leave without telling me! I can't just ask you because you're not the kind of person who'd just tell me. I'm lost. I know you might be too. I really don't know. I don't know what to do or what to think. It's so unsettling. Stupid of me to think we'd feel better if i just said it out loud. I feel worse and again, I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.... Life and the games it plays with us. Funny. Not a word from you. It makes everything so sad. I've lost you haven't i? Stupid me.What does honesty give you? It gives you shit. And it leaves you feeling like shit. Shit shit shit!

Breathe....

I'm sorry.

Well, it really is up to you if you want to talk about it or not. But let me know if you do. or don't. Please.

My aching head and back and knee are all killing me. But no painkillers tonight. I think feeling the pain might do me some good.

Nothing's perfect. Nobody's perfect.

How contradicting. :)

love.

With trembling hands she stared at her phone. She knew she had to do it. She knew she had to do it soon. He's leaving. Something sparked in her that morning when she awoke from a crazy dream. Although it had nothing to do with him and her, weirdly enough, it made her think. It made her feel how he felt. It made her see through his eyes. She knew he knew. Somehow. He wasn't one of those overly egoistic guys who pretend that they ruled the world. He was sensitive and understanding and careful. Yes. careful. He was careful with his words. He was careful with expressing his feelings. He was careful not to hurt anyone around him. And she knew he deserved the truth. He deserved knowing how she felt or how she didn't feel. Walking alone that afternoon she typed out what she felt or at least she tried. She hit the send button and it made her heart skip a beat. She hated this! Why did this always have to happen? She thought. Knowing someone you know would treat you so right yet you felt so wrong. The energy that you receive, you just can't send. Not the right time? Not the right person? As she thought about it, she read through the text one last time. She teared. Is it always going to be this way? Is it never going to be the right time? She didn't feel sad for herself. For the most, she felt sad because she might have hurt an angel. All she hoped for now, was a reply. The phone beeped after what seemed like eternity. He said it was ok. She knew it wasn't. He was being his 'careful' self yet again. She didn't feel relieved. All she felt was sadness and anger. Sad for him and angry at herself. No. There wasn't someone else. There wasn't any influence. She said sorry and for the first time in months, she actually meant it.

Friends? It's worth a try. It is! I make a better friend. I do. I promise. I will miss you when you're away. Waiting on Thursday...

On Hospitalization leave for 11 days. Wow. Finally someone realised that the pain i felt actually mattered. Besides my mom, dad, you and now, the doctor. If feel like a stubborn child not wanting to go to school. I really don't want to go back to flying!! The pain is killing me! Right now as well! ARGH! Time for those extra strong painkillers.

ABCs. My A,B and C. Nothing's gonna change if no one will change. If this is your true self i'm seeing after seven years, I don't believe it! It's not. You are nice and giving and calm and sweet even if you're stubborn and unstable. I loved you. everyone did. You made everyone despise you. How did it come to this? I feel bad for you. But i'm in no position to take your side this time round. I can't back you up here. You didn't give me anything good to work with. I'm sorry, but this time, you're alone. You decided. So now you try to undecide it. I'm done. For now. I'm glad you realised what happened. Too little too late? Maybe. We'll see what future has in store for us. I hope this isn't the end. Really.

Relationships. Maybe it's been too long and they're just getting way too comfortable. Maybe she's seeing his faults more than his good. Maybe he's doing the same. Maybe they just got in too deep without realising the consequences. Maybe he did change and she sees it. Or maybe he's just showing her his true self. Maybe they need some time away to realise that they can't actually live without each other. or maybe they're meant to be apart. All i can give her now are 'maybes'. But my dear M, love is such. Time changes people. People change people. I know i'm no one to say, but 2 years is a long time. Are you willing to let it all go? Or do you want to keep it going and work things out. It will take time but it may be worth it. Maybe again. Well, It's your call my dear. Take a night to swim in your your own pool of thoughts to see what is good for you right now. It will help. Maybe you'd dream that night and when you wake, you'll be able to see what you want with more clarity. Love you M!


-Don't worry about a thing cos every little thing's gonna be alright! (Right back at you Mr!)

love.

Coming out of this realm of dreams, I jumped out of comfort realising it was pass midnight. As i rushed to my handphone, I bumped my pinkie toe on the leg of the table. I screamed out loud waking my mom up. You would think she'd come running out worried that something might have happened to me. But all she said from her bed was, "Crazy ah?". :) She knows it's just her clumsy daughter bumping into things in the dark. I called the girls to see if the plan for the night was still on. They seemed reluctant to come over for a nice movie night. One that i planned! Instead, they wanted to go to our second most favorite hang out, the famous Obar. So we got ready within the hour and left the house. I must say i was pretty nervous in the cab because i knew he was going to be there. I miss the whole bunch of them so much though. The last time i saw them i was on my birthday. So with a little nervousness and a lot of excitement we entered the club just past two am. Saw the whole group of them almost immediately at the usual area. He smiled and told me that he hated me because i lied to him. I did. I told him i wasn't going tonight. I wasn't lying technically. So anyway, we danced but it felt a little uncomfortable. Dancing from a distance especially with him, was so weird. But that's how it's going to be. I saw the rest of the gang. Adorable brother bear matt. And sweet sweet crystal. Was catching up with them the rest of the time. Angry looks from across the dance floor. Mons and i distracting the lion from his target. Haha! He suddenly realised what we were doing and kissed us on our heads like an older brother would. Said that he missed us. We miss him too. Especially Jess. I know she wants to speak to him but she knows it's impossible. He doesn't want to even come close to her. He's afraid i guess. Afraid that something might happen? Afraid of infidelity? He might actually be in love with this love of his life. Oh well. That's his story to tell. Well, going back to him. He asked me how was my love life. Not in a jealous or accusing way. He said he wants us to go back to the time when i would update him about my life. Well, we need some time before we get there. He was happy and gave us enough space to enjoy ourselves. The journey home was filled with jesses giggles and stories about Mr. T and every single thing that happened between them on my right and mons falling in and out of sleep on my left. Tonight was weird. But fun. I almost forgot how it was like clubbing with all of them. And i saw so many people i haven't seen in years today. :)

It's 7 am and jess is still going on about Mr.T. It's very amusing half listening to her rambling on and on and on about the details of the night and what she should do and how she feels and what might happen. She really cute.

You're still awake, texting me.

I'm going to try to sleep now. (jesse has finally shut her eyes..) =)

Good morning world!
Goodnight friends.

love.

This annoying feeling.

She sits and she wonders
as she watches the world pass her by.
Kissing lovers. Laughing children.
As her mind wonders, her heart ponders.
Why? She asks herself. Why?

Why can't she love? Why can't she laugh?
She shares her thoughts with God but he doesn't reply.
Where can she go? Or should she stay?
Can she just get up and fly?

Reasons. Questions. Answers.
Something she wants to feel but she just can't.
It should be so easy but Why is it so hard?
It could take a minute or a lifetime to find out.

The kiss of life. The kiss of love.
She feels them slipping away.
She tries to hold on
but just like shells on a beach,
gets washed away.

This annoying feeling.

The more you ignore it, the more it shows itself.
She can't love. She can't kiss. She can't feel.
Maybe she doesn't want to.
She doesn't want to seal this deal.

Take a step back?
Walk on forward?
Stop and be a coward?

The spark is gone.
The lights go on.
The world now looks at her
with those accusing eyes.

Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.

This annoying feeling

She feels like ripping it apart
and tearing it into pieces.
If only she could.
If only she could be in love.

She'll take it slow.
Walk her way through.
That's all she can do.
In this journey,
It's just me and you.

She hopes he'll understand.
She hopes he will.
Love's never been easy.
Life's never been that hard.

Why??

This annoying feeling she can't feel.


I'm just being a little emo. heh.
Felt like writing out random thoughts.
I contemplated erasing it all off and writing something else but maybe it should stay.

And you.
Scream your thoughts out loud! You'll feel better.
Scream for attention if you need it, no one will stop you.
Don't listen to that evil dude on your left shoulder.
He'll you off in the wrong direction.
We should fear what we don't know or don't understand.
Fear is not always bad.
You're an amazing person. Hope you enjoy that book and make good use of that lamp. :)

As for me,
I just want to quit.
Optimism isn't helping me understand what's wrong.
It's just pulling me deeper into this state of denial.
I just want to be free.
Just listen and enjoy the stories of others.
Just sit still for a moment and bask in the glory of life itself
but time doesn't allow that anymore.
Time doesn't allow us to do a lot of things anymore.
This thin thread we stand on. This danger zone we're unwillingly placed into.
Can we make it out alive? and if we do,
will we be scarred beyond repair?
It's foolish to predict the future.
It's foolish to predict live.
Yet, we all try.
We try so hard to change the inevitable.
We turn away the good and we rarely learn from our mistakes.
I can't handle this new life i've made myself.
It's too complicated and i've been too naive.
I want out. But i know there's no way out.
Please let me know there's at least a light at the end of this tunnel.

It's six in the morning and my heart feels so heavy.
It'll get better. (me and my optimism again) :)
No dreams please! Just darkness.

love.

I woke up at 5am today feeling alittle down because of the dream that woke me. I hate it when i cry in my dream. Wake up feeling heavy hearted although i know that the dream isnt true and that it would never be true. I didn't want to tell him about it at first because I thought might actually scare him away. It was a weird dream. One that was not exactly impossible and that might be worse! So i kept it to myself through our conversation until he told me that he dreamnt about me. I couldn't help myself. :) He said his dream now seems like a fart compared to mine. HAHA! But thats not true. Your's was really sweet!

Well, as i said before, i woke up at 5am in my hotel room in Londonand i needed to pee really badly. There was nothing but news on tv and i wanted to laze around a little more before i showered and headed to the crew room to make use of the free internet. So without much choice, i sat in bed watching the news. Terrorists attacked a school in Russia. Many children died when the gym was blastered. They interviewed alot of the kids from the school. Those who lost their siblings, best friends, teachers and parents. but it was this little girl who caught my attention. She was 10 i think, and she would draw pictures of the terrorists and burn her drawing in a small container. She said it's for all the children who died on that day. All that rage i could see in her just made my heart drop. She said she's more angry at the government for not giving the terrorists what they wanted. At 10, I was playing with my friends and cousins without a single worry or a drop of rage in me. Another story was about two boys who were going to be released once they turn 18. For? Tourching another boy and nearly killing him. They were the bullies in their school. There were so many more stories of natural disasters and killings and rape and people who did these things and are still out there. So many deaths. So much sadness and wrath in this world. What our childern see is what they learn. What they hear is what they say. What is kind is what they love. Not many of them are blessed with good. Still there are people like us who don't appretiate what we have or what we've learnt.

Ok. i'm just babbling away. Babblative rememeber? I used that word of the day alot.

Todays word of the day, Pragmative.

You chose it. but you havent used it yet! :P

To be honest, even though i know what it means, i don't know how to use it in sentences. hmmmmm......

Oh well, i'll try.

So that ladies night... That was some interesting night aye? I know i've said this too much and it may have lost its meaning. But i'm really SORRY!! You didn't deserve what was thrown at you. You didn't deserve to wait for an hour. It was not your problem. It was mine. Thank you for being calm about it. Thank you for waiting. Thank you!!

I broke his heart. I broke the boys heart. I deserve what i got for the past months. But that day, I didn't deserve. How long does he expect me to absorb all the 'what did i do to deserve this' and 'why did you do it to me's and 'why are you so heartless'? I can't do it anymore. I'm drained. I want to take a step forward but you kept holding me back. I want to be your friend and still have you in my life but i'm afraid. How long before this happens again? You say you want to be friends. We'll see how that works. I'm sorry for moving forward before you. I'm sorry it has to be this way. I am!

And my Anti-Macs strike has started. I'll only have macs once a month. After much persuation and psyco-ing, he agreed to do it with me. So it's me and him against fast food!! WOOHOO!

We'll see how that goes. :)

Anyway, I just realised that there aren't any toilets in this crew room. I really need to pee!

Goodbye!

love.

"You might laugh you might frown,
Walkin 'round London town.
Sun is in the sky oh why oh why would i wanna be anywhere else?"
-Lily Allen (LDN)

She knows there's something going on.
She says she feels trapped.
He's not the man i use to know, she says.
My husband, my children, my job, she says.
One child is going away to a foreign land for what seems forever.
The other is suffering from pain and prefers to be out than in her own house.
The other, her favorite, has let go of her. Has forgotten she exists. Has forgotten how much she has done.
A partner with secrets.
She knows they have their reasons.
but..
She's in pain.
She's hurt.
She's dying a little inside everyday.
She gave up so much for these people.
She gets so little in return.
She holds back her tears when everyone else is happy.
She cries inside every single night.
She needs to know that she's loved by all of them.
Its their faults they don't give her enough.
Her only heaven is her little time alone watching television.
I hate to see her like this.
If only i could do something.
If only everyone else saw what i see.
It brings me to tears as i write this out.
So much happens in this place i call home.
It's no wonder i prefer being out.
I never tell you i love you enough.
None of us say it enough.
I'm sorry it hurts so much.
I'm here if no one else can be.
I see your hurt even though i don't say it out loud.
I see your pain.
I see how much you miss your children.
I see how much you miss your happy family.
I see how your happy ending has gone down the drain.
I see your heart breaking every time someone takes you the wrong way.
You're the most selfless person i know.
Even if no one cares. I do.
You're my inspiration and i love you.
I'm sorry for everything you've been through.
I'm sorry for the secrets i keep from you.
It kills me to see you cry.
It kills me to know what you don't know.
And i hate him for telling me!
I'm sorry mom. I really am.

Today i spent the night alone with my mom. We ordered Macs and sat on our couch watching tv and talking. I could see the confusion in her eyes. I told her it's not what she thinks and she shouldn't think too much. I know what she's thinking and she's wrong. I know the truth and he has to tell her before she gives up. He needs to tell her everything now!
I can't just stand by and watch anymore.
I can't pretend nothing's wrong here.
Where's the trio back up?
I miss you bro. I need you.
Don't go peg. I need you.
I know no one gets everything they want in life. but what's wrong hoping.

Life...

I just lost my best friend. 6 years gone down the gutters. So many memories. I can't take it that you're letting go of this. I can't take it that you didn't bother listening to me. I can't take it that you're going against what you said. I can't help how you feel. But i don't understand why. I'm angry. I'm upset. I'm frustrated. I'm confused. This year i've spent swimming in guilt. For not loving you the way you loved me. For letting you down. For getting you so angry and upset. For what happened on my birthday. For everything i've ever done to upset you because you were the one person, who i thought, understood me. That has changed i suppose. All i wanted to do was wait for the right time to tell you. And start being just a trusted friend without benefits because that was getting too hard for me. For us. Yet i still stand by what i always say. You're the nicest person i know. I'll always care for you.

Love...

I hate my job. I can't do it for another minute. It's literally painful. I just can't wake up another day knowing that i have to go away. I can't take sleeping other night alone in a hotel a thousand miles away from home.

I just can't...

I never use to be like this. I never use to feel so much hurt when i wake up and before i sleep and everytime i'm alone. So much is happening and i just can't digest all of it. Good friends became strangers over a few months. How much longer is this gonna take? When will this end? I want to be carefree and jovial again. I want to be worry-less and laugh without forcing myself to.

You have been my distraction. My safe shelter. We may not know each other well enough. but i can forget when i'm with you. You bring genuine laughter to my life. Genuine happiness. You came at such a perfect moment. Thank you. And i know i'm being super emo. But really, i'm in this crossroads where all four routes are dark and full of obstacles. I don't know what to do or where to go. I know what you've been through and how you wouldn't want to be in this complicated mess of a life i have at the moment. I understand fully if you want to stay out of it. Really. :)

Where do i go from here? There doesn't seem to be an 'up'.

Screw this shit. I'm gonna lay down and hope to go into nothingness for the rest of the night.
No dreams for tonight pleeease!

love.

Bubbly

I've been awake for a while now
You've got me feelin' like a child now
'Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tinglees in a silly place

It starts in my toes
And I crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

The rain is fallin' on my window pane
But we are hidin' in a safer place
Under the covers stayin' safe and warm
You give me feelings that I adore

They start in my toes
Make me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

What am I gonna say
When you make me feel this way?
I just, mmm

It starts in my toes
Makes me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

I?ve been asleep for a while now
You tucked me in just like a child now
'Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth

It starts in my soul
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feelin' shows
'Cause you make me smile
Baby just take your time now
Holdin' me tight

Wherever, wherever, wherever you go
Wherever....

You make me smile. Even just for awhile. :)

I'm supposed to be off line but i heard this song and couldn't help but smile and wait for it to end. On the phone with you right now. I waited for more than 10 mins btw!

Hope my little medical thing works!

love.

Sitting at home watching Gilmore Girls, eating biscuits and drinking milk when i should be high up somewhere above a southeast Asian country. I'm enjoying this though. :)

This year has been very unpredictable. Full of confusion, anger, hurt, hatred, disappointments and regrets. However, i can't disagree that there weren't sprinkles of laughter, love and joy. Nothing went according to planned but things will work out in the end. That i still have hope in. I've made new friends, lost close friends, reunited with old friends and lost my best mate to a relationship. That's Life. :) Many more downs then ups this year and i find myself eagerly awaiting for the year to end. Next year would definitely be better. I hope.

I'm sorry for what happened. I really am. I need you to understand me. You never did. You're hurt. I always hurt you. I'm sick and tired of being sorry, of considering how you feel before i do anything. Yet, i still care about you. I still want to consider your feelings. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to give up. Don't make me. Please.

And you! You're welcome. I hope it works. And stop picking at your face! i noticed that. you'll get scars!

Thank you for being that listening ear i needed. I don't know what we are or where we are. But i like things the way they are now. I don't want to rush but i don't want be at a stand still either. I want to tell the world but i want to keep it a secret. I want things to change but i want them to stay the same. I feel hot and cold, sweet and sour, love and hate, near yet far. I don't know what i want yet i want so many things. My life is an oxymoron now. That's it.

I'll be hearing from you in half an hour or so. :P

Note to self: Be good to the universe and the universe will be good to you.

Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts.

love.

She's living in this world of secrets.
A damned world of secrets.
She knows secrets can never be kept forever.
Secrets. They always sneak out.

She's living in this world of lies.
A damned world of lies.
She knows lies can never be good.
Lies. The truth is always stronger.

This damned world of lies and secrets,
this rotting world of lies and secrets.
She knows. She knows. She knows.

She knows that in the core of it all,
there's good.
There's a garden of sweet smelling flowers.
A bright sunny day with birds.
Birds that sing on trees that dance.

She needs to break free without breaking away.
She knows the dark world keeps her feet on the ground.
She feels the rotten world taking over her.
She wants to break free but she just can't.

She knows.

Well, i was just thinking of a friend i know. i miss her. i miss the old her. She needs to know.

Spiders

What's this feeling i'm feeling?
A little jumpy and nervous.
Looking at this spider.
This eight legged creature making its way up this tree.
Every step each leg takes makes me move forward.
I'm curious.

I hate spiders.

I know i hate spiders.
I keep telling myself i hate spiders.
But i'm curious.

There's something different about this spider.
Something that keeps me interested.
It's got a limp.

Yes!
Maybe it's that!
But nothing is perfect.
I know that..

It takes two steps and so do i.

What's this again?

Curiosity?

I'm so close now i can see it's many eyes looking at me.
Wondering who i am.
What i am.

It takes a step up.

I move closer.

My nose so close the creature could just jump onto it.
I don't want to move away.
But it might be dangerous.

I hate spiders.

I KNOW THAT.

What's this again?

Curiosity?
Maybe it's fascination.

Then.

It's so beautiful, i realise.

This creature has caught my eyes.
This hard-working, eight-legged, tiny thousand-eyed creature has caught my eye.

What's this again?
Fascination?
Maybe it's realisation.

The realisation that this particular spider has changed my perception forever.
This tiny adorable spider...

I like spiders.
I know...
I like spiders.


I'm just rambling......
about the things i've grown to like. :)

Red nails-check.
Packed bags-check.
Dried hair-check.
Comfortable bed-check.
Charged handphone-check.
Alarm set at 1pm-check.

Goodnight world. (Like the world cares? I'd like to think otherwise)

:)